Forbidden by Faith Read online

  “Hey, Sara. How are you?” he said cautiously.

  For a minute, I wasn’t sure if he was asking me how I felt in general or if he was referring to my failed relationship. My friends all knew about the breakup with Maziar. I hated the pity in their eyes when they looked at me, as if I were some broken bird. I was broken; I knew that, but I didn’t want everyone to see it.

  “I’m okay,” I replied, not even bothering to ask how he was in return. I wasn’t in the mood for conversation. Somewhere in the loss of my heart, I had somehow lost the ability to be human.

  Realizing I would contribute nothing else, he said, “That’s cool. What location did you get?” He tilted his head so he could see the card in my hand.

  “I got Pacific Palisades,” I said, moving the card so he could see. “How about you?”

  “I got the same place,” he said and grinned.

  I felt a strange stir in my stomach as I noticed his smile. His lower lip slightly drooped at the right corner, as if he weren’t sure if he should slip into a frown. His dimples were deep and gave him a boyish appearance. It made me feel comfortable when he smiled.

  There was a warmth about him that felt like fingers wrapped around a hot cup of tea on a cold day. It was calming. I couldn’t help but return the gesture. It had been so long since I’d really smiled that the movement of my facial muscles felt foreign.

  “It’s going to be nice to have a familiar face there when we have no clue what we’re doing,” he laughed. His chuckle felt like it started at his toes. It was infectious; I couldn’t help but laugh too.

  I felt a cozy comfort begin at the tips of my fingers, making its way up through my arms. Slowly, it began to chip away at the cold pain of the past few weeks. Desperate to keep it going, I said, “I was about to grab some lunch. Want to join me?”

  “Sure,” he replied, still smiling.

  We settled on the café at the other end of the quad. As we walked over, I was reminded of salt and pepper shakers ‒his light skin and hair clashing with my olive tone and dark brown curls.

  We began debating the difficulty of our anatomy class final, then moved on to weekend plans that had come and gone. I’d been absent from most of the recent ones, so Ben gave me all the highlights and bloopers. I was laughing by the time we reached the café doors, and it felt wonderful.

  He never once mentioned Maziar or the breakup. Ben had always seemed to have the ability to know when to, and when not to, broach certain topics with me. It felt unfamiliar to connect with someone other than Maziar this way. I could feel myself pulling toward it, craving simple human contact.

  Ben and I spent most of the following days together, discussing simple things. Their lack of importance felt safe and soothing after spending so much time worrying about life-altering events. I began to laugh and smile again. I started to feel something other than the mindless numb state I’d spent so many months in. I started to feel human.

  To say there was nothing more to us than friendship would have been a lie. Ben had become my new lifeline. He helped me find the parts of myself that hadn’t yet been destroyed. He held my hand while I picked myself up and started to rebuild the pieces scattered around me.

  I was so preoccupied with what I was getting from Ben that I neglected to realize that I was quickly putting myself deeper into his heart. The voice in the back of my mind kept telling me I would hurt him, but selfishly, I ignored her. That vulgar need to feel again was driving me forward without any inhibitions or fears of the outcome to follow. I was moving on pure, primitive motivation. I needed this, and I needed Ben, and I just didn’t care what that did to him.

  Chapter Fourteen

  The first day of our internships started at seven in the morning. We had to check in with the pharmacist for a walk-through and to discuss what would be expected of us. Our goal for the program was to get exposure and training on how to take patient prescriptions and input them into the computer, answer doctor calls, and counsel patients on the different medications. If it was slow enough, the pharmacist would let us assist her while she filled the actual scripts.

  Even though Ben lived downtown, he insisted on picking me up for our first day. He was very much going out of his way coming to Encino, but I couldn’t talk him out of it. I hadn’t really tried, having lost sleep over worrying about my proximity to Maziar’s family. Something about walking in together felt safer.

  The irony that I had pulled an internship in the Palisades had not fallen short on me. I wasn’t sure what pharmacy they used, but I couldn’t help but pray it wasn’t this one. Maziar would be home for the summer and running into him would surely end in disaster for me. I desperately wanted to see him, which was all the more reason why I couldn’t. I had just begun to reconstruct myself. I knew that seeing him would open up my healing wounds. I had lost nights of sleep over the possibilities, and now the day was here. I didn’t want to face it alone.

  My parents had voiced their concerns over Ben when they realized the two of us were spending time together. I had tried to keep our relationship hidden, but they began to notice the late-night calls, the frequent pick-ups, and my new found giggle. They were worried I had walked out of one impossible situation to only find another.

  I began to realize that my parents weren’t as open-minded as I’d believed they were. It was fine if Ben and I were just friends, but the potential of anything more frightened them. They weren’t willing to entertain the idea of my dating anyone who wasn’t Iranian. Mom had stood up to my grandmother for Maziar, but it was blatantly obvious she wouldn’t do that with Ben. I loved them, but their limitations angered me.

  Nothing romantic had evolved between Ben and me, but they didn’t care. They played the angle of concern, pretending they were worried about his feelings, but I wasn’t falling for it. They were worried about how my relationship with Ben went against their beliefs. They worried what people would think.

  I had just walked away from one battle and wasn’t ready to go into another one. Nothing had happened between Ben and me yet. Even though I knew better, I continued to deny where we were headed. I insisted they were overreacting and ignored their relentless comments.

  On our first day of the internship, Ben showed up at 6:15. He had even stopped at Starbucks to get us coffee. He’d known to order me a soy latte with one sweetener. I believed it was a testament to how close two people were if they could order for each other. It didn’t seem like a big deal, but I found it comforting that Ben had taken the time to notice my details.

  We pulled into the parking lot and he looked over at me. “You ready to do this, doll?” he asked, knowing my concerns. I’d spent many nights confiding in Ben.

  “I’m fine,” I reassured him.

  The managing pharmacist was named Setareh Darbanoo, but everyone referred to her as Seti. I was immediately wary of dealing with an Iranian pharmacist. They were known to be snobby and somewhat bitchy, but when I met Seti, she seemed the opposite. She greeted us with a warm smile and shook our hands. She gave us a quick tour of the pharmacy and briefly explained what our duties would be.

  “Today,” she said, “you’ll be observing so you can get the feel for things. Tomorrow we’ll start you on some hands on stuff.”

  She was in her early thirties. She was short, about five-foot-two and very petite. She compensated for her height by always wearing a pair of fashionable high heels. She had jet black hair extending halfway down her back in gorgeous, thick beach waves. It was apparent that she’d had a nose job, the arch too perfect to be natural. I found myself unconsciously running my finger over my own nose, feeling its slight imperfection as the small bump rose beneath my finger tip. I suddenly felt mediocre in comparison.

  Her beautiful, big, gray eyes just added insult to injury. They were such a unique color, framed by her dark, thick lashes and perfectly shaped eyebrows, that they were all you saw when you looked at her. She would be considered lovely by everyone’s standards. But her physical appearance was not her b
est attribute. She was friendly and kind; you could see it in how she cared for her patients, never getting frustrated by the many questions they asked her. And she was ridiculously witty and funny. When we didn’t have any patients around, she cracked jokes and engaged in playful banter with the employees. I liked her.

  The first day was pretty uneventful. There was a constant flow of patients, but nothing too overwhelming. Seti had Ben and me rotating through different positions so we could get a sense of how things worked. We were stationed on opposite sides of the clinic. I could feel his gaze settle on me from across the room, and was greeted by his warm smile each time I looked up. I’d look away, grinning at the sudden appearance of butterflies in my stomach.

  When we were released for lunch, we walked out to find the sun shining brightly. Ben was wearing a navy blue polo shirt that stood out against his tanned skin. The tattoo peeking out from his sleeve caught my eye. This time I didn’t stop myself as I reached out to move the fabric back. I felt him tense at my touch, heard the breath catch in his throat. I was by no means out of love with Maziar and knew that I couldn’t give myself fully to anyone. It didn’t stop me from touching him just then, even though I could see the ripple of goosebumps run across his flesh.

  His skin felt warm under my fingertips as I pulled back his sleeve. At first glance I saw the lines of a tribal tattoo, but the closer I looked, I realized they formed a shape. I pulled his shirt up a little farther to get a better look. The image transformed into a phoenix, a magical creature in Greek mythology. Its head was bent down and laid at the top of his shoulder. It was a side view of the creature, as if it were lying up against his arm. Two massive wings were behind it, wrapping partly around his bicep, as its tail curved up underneath its body, resting above his elbow. The entire image was outlined by a lattice of dark, thick, black tribal lines. It was masculine and powerful.

  I ran my fingers over it, locked in an intimate moment with the creature. I noticed a date written underneath the line that created the tip of its tail. I stopped and looked up at Ben. He was staring at me with this indescribable intensity. I had almost forgotten he was there, so involved was I in my seductive exchange with the bird.

  “What does this date mean?” I asked, running my hand over the “July sixteenth.”

  “It’s the date my grandfather passed away,” he said. I grew quiet, not knowing what to say as he continued, “My parents got a divorce when I was three, and I never saw my dad. My grandfather stepped in and took his place.” Ben’s mother remarried when he was eight and Ben had a great relationship with his stepdad, but his grandfather was a constant presence in his life. “He got prostate cancer and died four years ago. I wanted to get something in his memory.”

  “Why a phoenix?” I asked.

  “Because it symbolizes renewal. In Greek mythology, the phoenix never dies. It rises from the ashes of its predecessor. I want to believe that my grandfather will rise again somehow. Even if our paths never cross, I still find it comforting.”

  I felt tears swell up in my eyes at the beauty and innocence in his belief. It was both heartwarming and heartbreaking at the same time. I had to blink a few times to keep from crying. Ben just smiled and hugged me. There was no romance in it, just appreciation for sympathizing with him.

  “We need to eat,” he said, changing the subject.

  We walked over to the complex across the street and headed into the deli. He opened the door for me and placed his hand on the small of my back to guide me through it. I felt a warmth radiate from his hand and spread across my body. It wasn’t the electricity I felt with Maziar’s touch, but something different. It was just as comforting because it felt familiar and patient. It came from a core deeper than romance and passion. It started from a pillar of friendship and trust that had somehow twisted like a DNA helix and evolved into something more.

  For the first time since my breakup, my thoughts of Ben weren’t convoluted and confused by my feelings for Maziar. They had gained their own independence, and now what I felt for these two men ran side by side in separate paths. I knew if I were to follow one road, I would lose the other.

  I wasn’t yet ready to decide which path I would take.

  Chapter Fifteen

  A month had passed, and we were well into our internship. Ben still insisted on coming to Encino each morning, but I’d convinced him to let me drive every other day. He reluctantly agreed, being too chivalrous to go willingly. I had also convinced him to abandon the early Starbucks runs for twenty more minutes of sleep. Instead, we visited a drive-thru for our morning coffee.

  We had fallen into a comfortable routine together. Morning coffee, carpool to work, lunch together, work some more, then carpool home. Some nights we said goodbye and parted ways, others we would grab dinner first, or see a movie, or meet up with our friends. Everyone assumed we were together, but we just kept coasting as we were, avoiding titles. My parents had grown very worried. They continuously complained about my relationship with Ben. But I’d decided I no longer cared.

  I had generally been the spitting image of what they’d envisioned their daughter to be. I’d done well in school and was becoming a pharmacist, one of four career options they’d insisted on. All Iranian parents wanted their children to become doctors, lawyers, dentists, or pharmacists. Those encompassed all acceptable choices. I had given them that.

  I could fluently read and write Farsi, a big deal since I was born in the States. I didn’t smoke or do drugs and only drank on occasion. I wasn’t promiscuous, not that they had any idea I wasn’t still a virgin. I rarely rebelled against them, and I was a rule-follower almost to a fault, my friends making fun of me because I would become uncomfortable at the smallest misstep.

  As far as I was concerned, I had given them enough to brag about to their friends. They had no valid complaints. I’d handed them ninety percent of me, molding myself to their expectations. I refused, however, to allow them to dictate whom I would be with. That ten percent belonged to me, and they would just have to deal with it.

  On Monday, Ben came to my house in the morning as usual. We headed out, getting our coffee on the way. We talked and laughed, sang along to our favorite songs, then sat in the comfortable silence between us. The universe gave me no indication that this day would be the first of many to rock my core again.

  We smiled as we walked into the pharmacy, threw on our white coats, and started the day. I was on phones, dealing with doctor calls. Ben was a few feet away from me at the window for prescription drop-offs. This combination of positions allowed us to talk during our down time, which we loved. It made the day go by faster.

  The afternoon rush was always the busiest time of day. The phone started to ring almost immediately. I was on my fifth call when I heard her voice. Although I was distracted, I recognized it immediately. The high-pitched singsong voice of the serpent was hard to forget.

  The room froze as it always did, and all I could hear was the sound of my heart pounding in my ears like a steel drum. My back was to Ben but I knew she was at his window. The nurse on the line was rambling on about a patient, but I caught nothing of the conversation. Seti was facing me and must have noticed my skin pale because she looked confused. I told the nurse I would call her back and abruptly hung up. I gave Seti a look of desperation before I slowly turned in my chair.

  Bita was already looking at me, her green eyes sharp and mocking. She had recognized me from the back. Her she-devil stare was full of hatred. I returned it easily, my own anger bubbling under the surface.

  “I didn’t know you worked here. How convenient that must be for you. Did you do it on purpose to mess with my family even more?”

  Recognition flashed across Ben’s eyes and he immediately placed her. He’d never met Bita, but I had told him enough about her for him to know who she was. He went to speak, no doubt to defend me, but I gave him a guarded glance. He stopped himself, waiting on my move. I had to take a breath to calm myself down, the need to claw her face fierce
ly teasing me. I stood up and moved closer to the window, so I could speak quietly.

  “I don’t care about you or your family,” I said, the anger shaking through my limbs as I held onto the counter. “I’m working here, otherwise I would have plenty more to say. But for now, I’ll ask you to take your disappointing self as far away from me as possible. I refuse to be harassed by you any further.”

  What I really wanted to do was to tell her and her whole family to jump off a cliff. Whatever havoc they’d dealt with in my wake was less than what they deserved. But I would surely have gotten fired from my internship for that. I would probably get in trouble for the little I had already said. I loosened my grip on the counter, my knuckles white with fury.

  “Is everything okay over here?” Seti asked, suddenly appearing beside me.

  “Everything’s fine,” Ben said, before I could respond. “I just had a question about the prescription and Sara was helping.”

  He crushed Bita under the weight of his stare. She smirked, readying herself for the challenge. The anger burned behind Ben’s eyes, the muscle in his jaw twitching. She noticed and hesitated for a fraction of a second. Seti stared at Bita expectantly. I prepared to launch myself across the counter.

  “We’re good,” Bita finally said, then walked away.

  My legs began to wobble as I watched her leave. I felt like I was standing in a pool of Jell-O. Seti must have sensed my imminent breakdown.

  “Sara, why don’t you go to the stockroom and refill the supplies?” she said.

  I nodded, heading toward the back. Ben grabbed my hand as I walked by. I looked up at him, drinking in his strength, then quickly walked away. I began to cry as soon as I walked through the stockroom doors. I was furious, and caught off-guard, causing feelings for Maziar I’d shoved away to come back up to the surface. I was trying to gather the supplies through the tears blocking my vision when Seti walked in. I froze in all my pathetic glory.